Golden Sun Insanity!
by The Big Rocky Eye
Summary: Isaac plays the piano, Garet gets into a food fight, Piers joins Alex in a glacial burial, Felix ruins Ivan and Sheba's marriage and Mercury Lighthouse has been lit with the Mars Star! Lots of stupid insanity! WARNING: MAY BE TORTURE TO SOME READERS.
1. Chapter 1: Insanity at the Town Hall

**Golden Sun Insanity!!!!!!!!!!!**

DISCLAIMER (a.k.a. Boring Legal Stuff): The evil author does not own Golden Sun, Golden Sun-The Lost Age, Beethoven's 5th Symphony, Chopin's op.25 no.9 Etude, Chopin's op.25 no.11 Etude, Joplin's Maple Leaf Rag, Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, BWV 565, or anything else, for that matter. Nintendo and Camelot owns the Golden Sun series, Beethoven owns his 5th Symphony, Chopin owns his Etudes, Joplin owns his rag, and no one knows who really owns the Toccata and Fugue. So there.

Moving along, I would like to say that this is my first ever fanfic and that I suck and that you will not enjoy this and...READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. The evil author does not take any responsibility whatsoever for the torture of any innocent people through the reading of this horrible fanfic. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Oh, and yes, Picard will be Piers in this fanfic.

* * *

Chapter 1: Insanity at the Town Hall

Isaac was playing Liszt's transcription of Beethoven's 5th symphony. Garet yelled, "Mia, go get the door! Fate's here!" (It is said that the first four notes of Beethoven's 5th Symphony represents Fate.) Mia sighed, then explained patiently to Garet that it was Isaac playing a transcription of Beethoven's 5th symphony, and not Fate knocking at the door.

"Mia, someone called Fate is looking for her rods. Have you seen them?" Ivan called from the door.

"See Mia? I told you it was Fate knocking at the door."

"But Isaac was..."

"Yes, I was playing it."

"But then why would Fate be at the door?"

"Looking for her rods?"

"All right, Ivan, give her this."

Mia handed over Clotho's Distaff.

Ivan gave Clotho's Distaff to Fate.

"Okay, Fate took her rod. She asked if anyone saw Lachesis's Rule." Ivan called.

Felix walked into the room.

Isaac played Beethoven's 5th symphony again, but only the first four notes.

"Fate's knocking again!" Garet yelled.

"No, she isn't!" Ivan yelled back.

Isaac almost bowled over in laughter. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! DID I REALLY FOOL YOU, GARET?!?!?!?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"It's _not_ funny!" Garet whined.

"Yes it is!" Felix managed to squeeze in between bouts of laughter.

"No it isn't!"

"YES IT IS!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Jenna, Sheba and Mia in unison.

Most of the Golden Sun crew, plus Menardi, Karst, Saturos, Agatio, Kraden, Master Hama and Alex, were dining at the town hall that was built in place of the (wrecked) warehouse. Many others, including Isaac, Jenna and Garet's parents attended also, as well as the mayor. Dora _was_ well-known for her culinary prowess, after all. And there was a nice Steinway grand piano, imported from Earth. Isaac was playing it.

Mia spotted Alex, who in turn spotted his former teacher snarling in his face. "Uh-oh" was all he could say before there was a deafening explosion. Of words, that is.

"Alex?!?! I though you were dead! Why in the name of Mercury are you still alive? (Here Mia's tone of voice becomes considerably nastier.) You deserved to die, you cretin! You tried to take over the world! You little (censored)!!! I have half a mind to – where are you going?!?! – I have half a mind to stab you with my rod right now!!! And yes, it will hurt because I'll have to drill a hole in you first, you blue-haired dog! Because of you I am ashamed – yes, ashamed! – of admitting to being a part of the Mercury Clan!!!! You defiled our name, you (censored)!!!!!!! You defile the earth by walking upon it; you are a disgrace!!!!!!!!!!!!! I should kill you right now!!!!!!!!!! I feel _sorry_ for Weyard, not only because you defile it with your presence, but that it could give birth to such vile creatures! You ran away and went off with Saturos and Menardi and then you went to Vale to steal the Elemental Stars and then you raced to Mt. Aleph to try to get the power of the Golden Sun! What do you have to say for yourself, hmm? (She pauses for no more than a second before she continues.) Well, I guess you don't have anything to say for yourself, so now I'll tell you that you are a (censored) that is too greedy for your own good! And don't try that stupid 'I love you Mia I only wanted to rule the world for you' trick because I don't care how much you love me! You might as well die fifteen times for all I care, you little cretin! In fact, you _do_ deserve to die fifteen times and _then_ spend an eternity in hell! Don't tell me it was for the good of mankind, either! You just want to rule the world! (Just to keep it short, I'll skip right to the end of her lecture.) Tell me, you selfish brat! Where in the name of the elements did you get these ideas of ruling the world?!?!?!?! TELL ME!!!! **_TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" _**Mia screamed.

"Remind me never to get _her_ mad!" whispered Jenna.

Alex, for his part, was frozen. Pounds of ice was falling on him, pelting him, or otherwise making their way towards him with extreme force. For all intents and purposes, he was buried under a glacier.

Isaac whistled, then played the Butterfly Etude (F.F.Chopin, op.25 no.9).

Piers laughed.

He promptly joined Alex in a glacial burial.

Isaac played the Maple Leaf Rag (S. Joplin).

No one laughed.

Mia turned red, and overheated, sending her promptly to the nearest chair and fainted.

"Quickly, Ivan! Get Piers to heal her!" Jenna yelled.

"One problem-Piers is still a human-in-a-glacier."

"Damn! Garet, help me melt all this ice!"

"Yes, dearest."

"Garet, if you don't be careful, you are going to find yourself in a fiery grave."

"Yes, Jenna."

They managed to get Piers out of the ice (leaving Alex inside), then got Isaac to revive him. Piers then shook his head. He managed to cast Ply on himself, and the fog in his mind cleared.

"What's the matter with Mia?" he asked.

"She's exhausted from yelling at Alex, then casting random Psynergy attacks on him and, after you laughed, you." Jenna said. "Now get healing!"

"Yes, dearest."

Jenna turned bright red, and smoke came out of her ears.

Isaac played a transcription of a Toccata and Fugue in D Minor (attributed to J.S. Bach, BWV 565).

Dora, watching from the kitchen while delicately shaping slices of carrot, laughed.

Kyle, who was helping Dora in food preparation, laughed heartily.

Mia was healed by Piers, and then laughed without knowing why.

Piers tried to cast Ply Well again, but managed to cast Tickle on Jenna instead.

* * *

LATE-BREAKING NEWS

_New mathematical theorem!_

The "Extra Crispy Theorem" works as follows:

Piers = Extra Crispy

Extra Crispy = Jenna When Pissed Off

And now, back to your regular program.

* * *

Jenna was still pissed off, and fire prevailed in the room.

Alex's glacial grave immediately disappeared, and his "derriere" was caught in the path of a dirty-minded Dragon Fume.

The aftermath: Mia losing her voice and hands to the Excessive Clapping and Cheering Disorder (hereafter to be referred to as ECCD), and Alex losing his mind.

Literally.

Boy, Alex is an enigma to people everywhere.

After all that, the huge dining hall remained unscathed, without a single trace of what had happened before.

Dora rang the dinner bell, the food was served, and everyone was happy.

Or so we thought.


	2. Chapter 2: The Food Fight Extraordinaire

Chapter 2: The Food Fight Extraordinaire

Garet smiled inwardly as the food arrived an the table. Isaac had fooled him into thinking Fate had knocked on the door once (actually, twice) too many times. He was going to get revenge, and nothing would stop him. He would plan like a diabolical mastermind, get revenge, laugh and contract ECCD, then...

SPLAT.

Garet's face and hair was sporting the addition of a blueberry pie.

Isaac and Felix were laughing their heads off.

As was Menardi, Agatio and Karst.

Not to mention Sheba, Ivan, Mia and Piers.

Garet got angry.

Soon, Isaac sported a new cherry pie on his mop of hair.

"_MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IT TAKES AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF HAIR GEL A DAY TO KEEP UP THIS HAIRSTYLE?!?!?!?!?!?" _Isaac wailed. Loudly.

Garet wasn't listening; he was eating his blueberry pie, some rice, and a stuffed turkey while throwing pie at Menardi, who desired to return fire. Little did she know that Garet would duck, and Alex was directly behind.

Soon there was a wail that made Isaac's scream sound like a whisper in comparison.

"**_MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL BLUE HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_** whined Alex.

"I thought he had lost his mind." snarled Mia.

"Apparently he didn't." Jenna.

"Well, I still hate him." Mia again.

"You're not usually like this."

"I can't be Ms. Level Head forever, you know."

"I thought you could."

"Well, you're wro-"

Mia was interrupted by a plate of veal that happened to land on her forehead.

She started throwing anything at anyone.

It is estimated that three-quarters of the food prepared that day was not eaten, but thrown. Of the food that was thrown, it is known that at least two-thirds of the food was thrown multiple times.

The food fight was undoubtedly one of the greatest ever on Weyard, but here are a few descriptions given by witnesses:

* * *

Jenna's Description: 

It was colossal. Pies were lofted into the air ten at a time, turkey flew everywhere, and a whole chicken flew onto my head. Ouch. Alex and Isaac were screaming like crazy; the only word that could be heard from them was "hair". Someone threw a pot of stew, and rice was thrown with bowls and all. Veal was another mainstay. I was pelted by lots of everything. Lots of people were hurt, and I want to hurt many others.

* * *

Felix's Description: 

The food fight was fun! We should do it again every year! First, I smashed a pie into Garet's hair, then he started going crazy. He hit Mia, and she went crazy too! Then everybody wanted to hit them, but many missed, so turkeys started flying, as did bowls of rice and stew. Pies were thrown incessantly, and pounds of veal, beef and other delicious meats found their way onto people's heads. Fish was not as popular, owing to its flower-shaped carrot slices. Everyone but me thought they were pretty; only Garet and Mia were too angry to notice. Oh, and Isaac and Alex were screaming about hair.

* * *

Piers' Description: 

We never had any of this in Lemuria. Flying chicken! Rice wars! Stew raining everywhere! But pie seemed to be the mainstay of the fight. I only threw a pie and some chicken at Menardi after she threw two turkeys and fifteen bowls of rice at me. Hardly enough payback for ruining my uncle Leon's best suit.

* * *

Isaac's Description: 

MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

And there you have it, folks!


	3. Chapters 3a & 3b: Cleaning Up & The Rift

Chapter 3a: Cleaning Up

After that food fight, all the Mercury Adepts were casting Douse everywhere. The Venus Adepts were searching for unbroken dishes and bowls, Jupiter Adepts were soaping up the worst parts of the mess, and the Mars Adepts were drying up the dirty water and burning up the food.

The Venus Adept's search was for naught, as no unbroken dishes or bowls were found, so they brought all the broken stuff outside and buried it.

After a few hours of cleaning, the dining hall looked fine again.

By the way, in case you were wondering, the piano was moved into the lounge at the beginning of the food fight by Master Hama.

* * *

Chapter 3b: The Rift

Shortly after the Food Fight Extraordinaire (coined by Kyle), there were many tremors and earthquakes throughout Weyard, so the people of Vale were thankful that they had finished repairing the village. Otherwise, these tremors would have knocked the whole village down. As it was, a few houses were already damaged. Then, Karst and Menardi came to visit, and brought a message from Prox.

"Hear ye, hear ye!" yelled Karst.

"Extra, extra! _Hear_ all about it!" shouted Menardi.

"Karst, this is not the Middle Ages!" exclaimed Alex. Mia showed up suddenly behind him. "Uh-oh! Gotta run!" Alex yelled.

"Menardi, you are not a newpaper girl!" laughed Felix.

"Anyways...you know about the tremors." Karst announced to the village.

"We bring information about them." Menardi followed.

"What could it be?" was whispered amongst the villagers.

"We have consulted that...rock on the matter." Karst continued.

"Karst, it's the Wise One!" snarled Menardi under her breath. Then, in a normal voice, she announced, "The Wise One has stated that due to the immense Psynergy released by the Golden Sun, a rift has opened."

"Weyard is currently in this rift." Karst stated simply.

"Soon, we will find ourselves in another dimension."

"That is the explanation for these tremors."

Just then, there was a particularly shocking tremor, followed by a sensation of falling, and a splash.

The Wise One appeared and said, "Citizens of Vale, we have reached another dimension." Then, as soon as he appeared, he disappeared, leaving an entire village calling after him. As for the Golden Sun crew, who had basically seen everything there was to see, they just went to sleep.

The fact that all eight people went to sleep at the same time proved to be no coincidence, for, as they slept, they started floating up into the air, and came together. The whole of Weyard, along with their inhabitants, disappeared.


	4. Chapter 4: Earth, Bob and Isaac in a Gam...

Chapter 4: Earth, Bob and a Isaac in a Game

Sheba woke up to see bright, fluffy clouds up in the sky. She looked confused, because all her life, she had been used to flat clouds. Even in clear skies.

She found herself on a roof of sorts...but it was flat and hard and _gray_. "Who'd ever heard of a gray roof?" she asked herself. She looked around, and the first person she spotted was Felix. Sleeping like a baby. (Yes, now with sucking thumb action!) Sheba was disturbed by that. "Ugh...my eyes!"

A sudden "Where are we?" jolted her to her senses. It sounded like one of the girls. She turned around and saw an even more hideous sight than Felix sucking his thumb: Garet in his pyjamas!!! She shielded her eyes while Garet changed – wait! Wait just one second! No, maybe a minute. Whatever. Just wait. The Golden Sun crew was transported to another dimension with fluffy clouds, and woke up on a flat, grey roof. Where on Weyard did Garet find _anything_ to change into?

The evil author looked down on her, and smiled at her ignorance. Sheba was immediately enlightened.

Garet finished changing, and they woke everybody up. Isaac and Mia were especially grumpy. "NO ONE OTHER THAN ME IS ALLOWED TO WAKE ME UP!" proclaimed Isaac. "I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP!" Mia...yelled, for lack of a better word. After much "persuasion" from Jenna and Sheba, they calmed down. Everybody gathered together on the middle of the roof when someone called up from below.

"Hey! You guys! What are you doing up there?"

"We don't know!" yelled Ivan.

"Do you need help getting down?"

"**YES!!!**" everyone shouted.

"Okay, hold on!"

They waited and waited. Eventually, the boy came back with a ladder.

"Here! Use this to climb down!"

"Okay!"

Everybody got down. Not everybody got to the bottom rung of the ladder. It broke while Garet got on. Thank goodness he was last. He turned red from embarrassment and proclaimed that Ivan damaged the ladder with _his_ weight. At which everyone laughed even more, for it was well known that Garet was twice Ivan's weight. Suddenly, they were stopped with a question.

"Where did you get clothes like that?" asked the mystery kid.

"From Weyard, where else?" Piers thought his answer made sense.

The kid thought for a moment, then mentally shrugged. "Where is Weyard?"

"The world is named Weyard." Mia answered.

"Actually, the 3rd planet from the sun in the solar system's name is not Weyard (whatever it is), but Earth."

"Solar system?" asked Jenna.

"Earth?" asked Felix.

"Hey, I heard of Earth! Weyard imports pianos from Earth!" exclaimed Isaac.

Everybody else: ...

The kid took advantage of the lull to ask for their names.

"I'm Isaac, this is..."

"I'm Garet, and Isaac, I can introduce myself, thank you very much! This is Ivan..."

"Pot...kettle...black..." Ivan grumbled.

"...and this is..."

THWACK!

"I'm Mia, pleased to meet you. What's your name?"

"Bob. What's the other people's names?"

"Felix."

"Jenna."

"I'm Sheba, and this is Piers..."

"I'm glad I have the patience not to deal with her as Mia dealt with Garet." Piers snarled.

"What school do you go to?" Bob asked.

"What's a school?" asked Sheba.

"A school is a place where you learn stuff."

"We never went to school. We were too busy lighting the lighthouses." Felix put in.

"Lighthouses? You guys have serious problems."

"No, we do not. It is you that has problems." Piers countered.

"Anyways. I assume you have a place to stay for tonight?"

"We don't." Isaac.

"Well, three of you will have to stay at an inn, and the other five can stay at my place.

"Cool."

"So who will pay up to stay at a hotel?"

"Any of us can, we're filthy rich!"

"Prove it."

Isaac showed his bag of gold coins.

"That isn't money!"

"Well, it is where we came from."

"Wait a minute, is this gold?"

"Yes."

"You could sell it to make some money! Meanwhile, everybody can come to my house! My parents are out for a business trip, they won't be home until next Saturday."

"Okay!"

"Then let's go!"

Bob led the whole group to his house. Everybody entered, and for some reason they took off their various boots and shoes.

"This _is_ a house, right Bob?" inquired Ivan.

"Yes, it's just a little small." Bob replied.

They went downstairs to the basement, and Isaac started rushing towards something.

"Don't touch my piano!" Bob screamed.

Too late. Isaac already started playing whatever was on the stand, namely Chopin's Winter Wind (op.25 no.11) Etude. Perfectly. Of course, the Golden Sun crew was used to him playing such pieces, but Bob stared with his mouth crashing through the foundations of the house.

"What?" Isaac asked when he was done.

"How old are you?"

"Umm...eighteen."

"Oh, okay." Bob's mouth went back to normal, and he wasn't bewildered anymore.

Isaac then took the time to play Rachmaninoff's Third Piano Concerto. Both the solo _and_ orchestra parts. In full.

Bob's mouth just about reached the centre of the earth.

Everybody was wondering what Bob was so surprised about.

"Rachmaninoff's Third Piano Concerto!" he exclaimed, then fainted.

Mia cast Ply, and he woke up. Abruptly.

Someone knocked on the door.

Bob answered, leaving all eight people in the basement, staring at various things such as the walls and the floor.

Bob returned, and said that everybody was to go to school tomorrow. Then he gave the house tour.

After the house tour, the Golden Sun crew went to do whatever they pleased. Mia went up to Bob holding up a Game Boy Advance SP and asked what it was.

"It's my Game Boy."

"Oh. What does it do?"

"It lets you play games. Do you want to try?"

"Yes. How do you make it work?"

"You push this switch, then you wait...now you have to learn how to play the game."

"That's a really nice picture of Mt. Aleph in the Game Boy."

"You know that Aleph is the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet, right?"

Bob started playing Golden Sun, and Mia screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What's wrong, Mia?"

"That looks like Isaac!"

"Interesting. In this game, the guy's name _is_ Isaac, which means laughter, by the way."

"ISAAC! GET YOUR (censored) DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!"

Isaac comes in, staring at Mia, who smashed her finger into the Isaac sprite in the game.

"What is this?" she asked.

"It's a game called Golden Sun, Mia." Bob replied.

"That looks suspiciously like me." Isaac said plainly.

"Wait a minute...oh my god!"

"What's a god?" Mia asked innocently.

"Whatever...you came straight out of the game!"

"Wait a minute, I have no idea what you're talking about." Isaac was really confused.

"It all makes sense now...Weyard...gold coins...the weird clothes..."

"Our clothes are not weird!" Mia said exasperatedly.

"I never knew Mia could talk like that." Isaac whispered.

Somehow, all eight people slept in the house (Isaac, Ivan and Sheba slept on the floor) and it was morning and Isaac sat up in his bed in Vale which was in Weyard. "It's all just a bad dream, conjured up by the evil author."


	5. Chapter 5: More Insanity!

Chapter 5: More Insanity!

After Isaac woke up, the evil author smiled on him. The tremors of Weyard were no more, all the damage in Vale was fixed and Isaac finally realized that he was in a stupid fanfic by an evil author called The Big Rocky Eye and that everything was supposed to be insanity. He chuckled. "If this fanfic was supposed to be Golden Sun Insanity," Isaac thought, "Mercury Lighthouse would have been lit with the Mars Star, Venus Lighthouse would be called Earth's Tower, and the Jupiter Star would be called the Hermes Star." (Which meant that Jupiter Lighthouse would be lit by the 'Mercury' Star, because Hermes was the Greek equivalent of Mercury.)

Immediately, Mia ran in, yelling, "Isaac, my love! Guess what? Mercury Lighthouse has been lit wit the Mars Star, Saturos and Menardi fell into the beacon of Earth's Tower again, and Jupiter Lighthouse split apart from the force of the Hermes Star! Isn't that wonderful?"

Isaac groaned. "I should have known that the evil author would pull something like this." Mia blinked. "Evil author?" And then Garet fell through the roof of Isaac's house with eight chickens which were dressed like farmers while Ivan proposed to Sheba in front of Felix downstairs where Dora and Kyle were cooking. Isaac groaned again. Everything was going insane!

Ivan and Sheba were smooching into eternity while Felix was bashing Ivan with Kyle, who was hanging on to Dora for dear life, who was staring at her son talking with Mia upstairs, who were talking about this stupid sentence. Then Isaac and Mia noticed Garet being whipped by the chicken farmers (forgive the pun). "Whoa, Garet!" Isaac exclaimed while throwing the chickens out the window. "What's with the chickens in farmer's clothes?" Garet started fuming, and Jenna wondered if "the time of the month" ever happened to boys. "For your stupid information, Isaac, my stupid sister Kay and my equally stupid brother Aaron happened to procure eight of Kraden's chickens."

Kraden was well known for his experiments on Alchemy, and it was equally well known that he used chickens for test subjects.

Ivan and Sheba came upstairs to proclaim the date of their marriage, when it occurred to Ivan that they should tell the world about their marriage from the top of Mercury Lighthouse because Mercury was the messenger of the gods! So they went, and Mia asked Isaac when _they_ would marry.

Kraden picked up his lost chickens and Garet chased his brother and sister casting Pyroclasm wherever he went.

Isaac decided he had too much of a headache to decide about their future.

"You rotten little pigs!"

"I'm sorry, Mia, it's just that lots of weird stuff has been going on."

"Get your (censored) back here right now, Kay!"

"But Isaac..."

"Don't tell me what to do, Garet! I'm older than you and no amount of profanity will change that!"

"Remember Bob's house?"

"(This whole sentence has been censored to retain an acceptable rating.)"

"Isaac, you can't put off love indefinitely."

"Garet, when you're done trying to fry my butt, I'm going to tell mom on you for saying that!"

"I can't think of the future when Mercury Lighthouse has been lit with the Mars Star!"

"Finally! Isaac's house! Sanctuary! SANCTUARY!"

"Why is Kay claiming sanctuary here? I thought you could only claim sanctuary in Sanctums..."

"Isaac! You have got to help me! Garet won't burn us as long as we're in here! Please, help me get to the sanctum!" Kay panted. Aaron had those puppy-dog eyes on his face, and Isaac just couldn't get it out of his mind. "Kay, what you did was wrong. Isaac, dear, throw them outside and let Garet have a crack at them!" Mia said in a smooth voice. And of course Isaac _had_ to listen to his one true love. Suffice to say, the "Extra Crispy Theorem" required updating.

* * *

MORE LATE-BREAKING NEWS

_Mathematical theorem update!_

The "Extra Crispy Theorem" has been revised as follows:

Piers = Extra Crispy [OR] Kay(Aaron) = Extra Crispy

If Piers = Extra Crispy, then Extra Crispy = Jenna When Pissed Off

If Kay(Aaron) = Extra Crispy, then Extra Crispy = Garet After Being Whipped By Kraden's Chickens Which Are Dressed Like Farmers

And now, back to the original program.

* * *

Aaron and Kay gave Isaac the _face_, Mia giggled, and Isaac started playing the piano. As for Garet, he was dragging his crispified siblings to spend some "quality" time with Kraden. As soon as Isaac heard, he went from playing another upbeat rag to Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, BWV 565. (For those who don't know, it's one of those scary, haunted-mansion songs.) A girly scream, presumably from Aaron, was heard (or maybe it was Kay?) and Kraden launched into another of his infamous lectures on Alchemy which were known to last weeks on end. Even Lord Babi was providing a reward for anyone who could find out Kraden's secret to not sleeping for weeks while carrying on a lecture.

Alex found himself in a cave full of pictures of Sheba – Sheba standing, Sheba sitting, Sheba reading, Sheba writing in her diary, Sheba jumping, Sheba learning Reveal at Air's Rock, Sheba yelling, Sheba taking a shower, Sheba...WHAT? Sheba taking a SHOWER?!?!?!? This guy must be SICK! But then Alex noticed something else, too:

A dirty doll of Ivan with white and black needles sticking through him.

Then he saw a picture of Felix and a picture of Sheba on an altar with four candles shaped like lighthouses complete with blue, green, purple and red flames and a prayer mat in front.

Alex finally realized where he was. After Mia dragged him by the ear all the way up the Goma Range and then kicked him all the way down into the river that flowed through Vale, he fell down through the waterfall just behind Felix and Jenna's house (ahh...Jenna) and ended up in a secret waterfall cave which Felix used as a worshipping place for Sheba and for cursing Ivan who proposed to the girl of Felix's dreams!


	6. Chapter 6: Ivan and Sheba's Marriage

Chapter 6: Ivan and Sheba's Marriage

Ivan and Sheba were slated to marry on the 25th of May. This was final, and they wouldn't let anyone mess it up again! They were going to have a huge feast, and the Wise One was going to be the priest! So Ivan and his sister Hama went off to Lalivero for the wedding, and lots of people came, including the whole population of Kalay and Lalivero, plus the Golden Sun crew, minus Felix. _He_ was moping around at home and wailing about Sheba being _his_ girl, and that Sheba was an ungrateful idiot who chose a midget over the most handsome guy on Weyard, i.e. Felix! Or so everybody thought.

So everybody was at Lalivero, and there was a huge feast prepared by Ivan and Sheba and Hama and Faran. Apparently, according to Laliveran tradition, the bride, the groom and their families had to prepare the feast. So they were cooking, and after they were done they would change, then run off to the Sanctum where the Wise One would wed them, and then rush back to the wedding hall to find the food all placed out and ready to eat!

They finished cooking, they went to the Wise One, now they're married, yada yada yada...

Felix decided to ruin their marriage and get Sheba to divorce Ivan.

The wedding feast commenced, and everybody was congratulating Ivan for getting such a lovely bride. Sheba understood what was meant and turned red. When they got to their table, they kissed and started eating. Fast. Garet was staring at them; they ate faster than _he_ did!!

Felix stood outside the dining hall, and, knowing full well that Ivan prepared the fish for the feast, had sprinkled some powder onto them. Now all he had to do was wait for the people to eat it...

Inside the dining hall, all was merry. Everyone was eating lots of fish and meat and other such stuff, Ivan and Sheba kissed repeatedly, and Garet still stared when they resumed eating. Some people said that the fish tasted a bit like cinnamon, for some reason. The newly-wed couple shrugged and kissed and ate some more.

Felix saw that everybody was eating the fish, but no one was getting sick! This stuff was supposed to work in five minutes! What was going on? Then he took a look at the bottle of poison powder he brought. And the words that stared back at him said:

CINNAMON POWDER

He was shocked. The wedding wasn't going to be ruined anymore...or was it?

Hammet thought someone had sneaked into the dining hall, but quickly forgot about it, preferring to chat with Sheba about her reasons for marrying his servant Ivan. He found out that the rod of Hesperia was used to gain the Hover Jade, and that Hama was Ivan's sister. After this discovery, he started talking to Hama a lot about Ivan. Meanwhile, Ivan and Sheba were smooching again when stew started raining into Sheba's hair, potatoes and all!

Felix hid under Isaac's table, and Mia was drunk, so she kept kicking him. Piers, who was also drunk, yelled out "Ivan did it!" Isaac, who was completely sober, yelled out "Felix did it!".

Sheba threw a pot down under Isaac's table, getting Jenna's boots all wet, and Felix was one with the stew. For now. She then resumed her eating, and she was talking sweetly to Ivan, who was red in the face because Hammet had been pouring just a tad too much wine for him.

Felix punched Isaac in the shins, then started another food fight.

Sheba, Ivan, Hammet, Hama and Layana stared at the food being thrown below. "It's just like the Food Fight Extraordinaire! Remember, Ivan dear?" Sheba said sweetly. All Ivan could say was "Abba...abba...".

Jenna, completely angry because she was a popular target, started going crazy with food. She threw an entire stuffed camel hump at some poor soul who happened to accidentally hit Jenna with a fork. As for Felix, he huddled under the table, still being kicked by Mia. Garet was trying to restrain Jenna to no avail, and Piers slept, using a conveniently-placed bowl of crab soup as a pillow.

"Oh dear, it looks like our wedding has been ruined." Sheba stated with an air of disappointment. She cheered up a little when she remembered that Ivan promised her a nice honeymoon in Contigo, where she could squander all of her money on dice games! But as for this predicament, well, she didn't know _what_ to do. All she could say was "This is definitely the biggest food fight ever."


	7. Chapter 7: The End?

Chapter 7: The End?

The evil author decided that this fanfic must come to a close as it has already tortured enough innocent people, and is fit only for use within the walls of Agatio and Karst's Torture Chamber for the Torture of the Murderer of Karst's Sister (whose name was Menardi) i.e. Isaac, also known as Agatio and Karst's Torture Chamber. The evil author also decided that there would be no torture chamber within the boundaries of his fanfic and therefore destroyed Agatio and Karst's Torture Chamber. By the way, the people within the walls of the Torture Chamber before it was destroyed were tortured by Kraden's incessant talking, Agatio's utter stupidity which was never touched upon in this fanfic, and Karst's presence. Therefore it was a good thing that the only victims of Agatio and Karst's Torture Chamber for the Torture of the Murderer of Karst's Sister (whose name was Menardi) i.e. Isaac was eight chickens, portrayed above as the eight chickens dressed like farmers that were whipping Garet, as well as the readers of this fanfic.

By the way, Menardi is alive and well for the purposes of this fanfic, so Karst never needed to open her torture chamber, and the above text need not be true.

As for Alex, he was found on the _peak_ of Mt. Aleph, the top of which still sticks out of the ground, therefore he was never buried with the rest of Mt. Aleph. After the rock beat him up, he went into a coma-like state for a few weeks, and no one noticed him. He awoke, found his way into a crowd one day, and accidentally got pushed into Mia's view, after which he suffered a severe lecture from the girl of her dreams, a (temporary) glacial burial, and rape at the hands of a Dragon Fume.

Oh, and at the moment, Isaac is practicing those pesky Trancendental Etudes.

* * *

DISCLAIMER UPDATE: The evil author does not own the Trancendental Etudes or Rachmaninoff's Third Piano Concerto. Liszt owns the Trancendental Etudes, and Rachmaninoff owns his Piano Concerto.

* * *

And so ends the torture...I mean, insanity.

* * *

The Big Rocky Eye: Whew! Finally! 

Isaac: Why did I had to play the piano??

The Big Rocky Eye: Because I wanted you to.

Isaac: But that's not fair! (sobs)

The Big Rocky Eye: Life is not fair, little one. NEXT!

Mia: Why do I have to be a snarling maniac in the fanfic?!? That is so...unlike me.

The Big Rocky Eye: Because I wanted you to hate Alex.

Mia: I don't hate him that much! (to Alex, in a "cute" voice) How could I hate my snuggle-wuggle?

Alex: (wavery voice) I love you Mia!

Mia: (voice back to normal) I love you too!

Isaac: Mia, we have some things to discuss.

Mia: Meep!

The Big Rocky Eye: NEXT!

Jenna: How come I don't get to burn people up and get mad and stuff?? I want to be _me!_

The Big Rocky Eye: Tell you what. If you don't pester me about it, then I won't tell Garet about your secret desire for him.

Jenna: (gone)

The Big Rocky Eye: NEXT!

Alex: Why am I barely in this fanfic and why is bad stuff always happening to me?

The Big Rocky Eye: Because you are a egotistical freak with excessively long blue hair.

Alex: Are you implying that my hair is imperfect?

The Big Rocky Eye: Yes. And your idea of a wedding ring is lame.

Alex: Making a ring out of my hair? That isn't lame, that's true love!

The Big Rocky Eye: You're going to give it to Mia, aren't you?

Alex: No! I'm going to propose to Jenna!...Meep! (runs off)

The Big Rocky Eye: NEXT!

Feizhi: Why are you always calling "NEXT!" and why am I not in the fanfic?

The Big Rocky Eye: You don't exist here. Begone!

Feizhi: (gone)

The Big Rocky Eye: NEXT!

(cue crickets)

The Big Rocky Eye: NEXT!!

(cue really loud snoring)

The Big Rocky Eye: NEXT!!!

Garet: Oh, sorry, I fell asleep.

The Big Rocky Eye: What do you want?

Garet: I want to burn Aaron and Kay to a crisp and then eat them like cookies.

The Big Rocky Eye: Then you'll have no more siblings to burn. Burning siblings is always better fun than burning other people.

Garet: I never really thought of that.

The Big Rocky Eye: NEXT!

Garet: I'm not done!

The Big Rocky Eye: _NEXT!_

(Garet storms off)

Menardi: I come here in representation of the Union of Unused Proxians Also Known As Freaks With Weird Faces and Weird Skin Colour, hereafter to be referred to as the UUPAKAFWWFWSC!

The Big Rocky Eye: What does this Union want?

Menardi: First of all, it is the UUPAKAFWWFWSC, and second of all, us Proxians are grossly neglected in this fanfic. For starters, Agatio and Saturos was never here, and me and Karst only got a few lines each!

The Big Rocky Eye: Too bad for you. NEXT!

(cue UUPAKAFWWFWSC solidarity chant)

The Big Rocky Eye: Ugghhhh...Alright fine! More Proxians in the next fanfic! NEXT!!

Felix: Why make me so desperate for Sheba?

The Big Rocky Eye: You jumped after her in Venus Lighthouse, is that not enough?

Felix: I'm perfectly content with living with my sister Jenna.

The Big Rocky Eye: What if I told you that Garet wants to propose to her?

Felix: Then I would beat the (censored) out of him!

The Big Rocky Eye: It's true, you know...

Felix: WHAT?!?! GARET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Big Rocky Eye: Anyways, that takes care of that. Please, go easy on me, it _is_ my first fanfic, and read & review! Bye bye!

Bob, Piers, Sheba, Kay, Aaron and everybody else that didn't get a turn: Evil author, you're not done yet! You still have to let us speak!

The Big Rocky Eye: I am _done_. Goodbye.

THE EN...

The Big Rocky Eye: Give me my "D" back!

Bob, Piers, Sheba, Kay, Aaron and everybody else that didn't get a turn: We demand that we be interviewed!

Sheba: I'm still disturbed about Felix sucking his thumb and Garet in his PJ's!

The Big Rocky Eye: Next fanfic I will interview you guys. Now give me back my "D"!

Bob, Piers, Sheba, Kay, Aaron and everybody else that didn't get a turn: Okay!

THE END!! (It's official this time.)


End file.
